Mum. Unedited.

I watch you take your fatal fall Your scream envelopes the heavens You arms scramble They reach out for me I try to grab you.  But I miss.  Beautiful boy.  You look peacefully still. Dead, but oh so alive!  Basking in the mountain sunshine On this perfectly blue-sky day.  Silence fills the thin mountain air.  I see your broken body Mangled and unrecognisable. The mountains moan quietly,  Another son is lost.  Hours turn into days And days into months. And slowly I rise from your ashes.  I now carry your burden too. And what an honour it is. This world glistens in your light. You have made my unconscious conscious. You have every inch of my love.  I know we are old friends. Forever together.  I’ll wait until morning When I close my eyes And I’ll see you again.  Your life fades And mine shines in its place.  You die And I am born. 

I sit at the top of this mountain And watch the dark clouds roll in The air is chilled, but quiet. The sky looks like a rough ocean Except upside-down. Ominous, tumultuous and cold.  It could swallow us whole. I wait for the storm to get closer While the storm in my mind rages on.  A gusty wind blows Smells like fresh mountain air.  I think of you, as I always do when I come here.  I imagine you in your final resting place.  I watch your soul soar high above your mountain home. I know you still live. Here. In the rain, sky. You are the view. Amazing in every way.  I close my eyes. I go inside.  I look for meaning. Why do I walk this road? Why did I waste all this time? How do I be a better me.  No answers can be found.  I sure am lost. Directions mean nothing.  I feel like I’m cut right down the middle.  I’m just trying to be brave.  Can you tell? I feel the first raindrop touch my skin.  ...

Yesterday I was talking with one of my work colleagues, who is in the messy process of separating from her partner of seven years. She's sad, bitter and angry. As one would be I suppose. She described it to me as 'having wasted seven years with someone who now thinks so little of me they want to rob me of everything I have'. That would be hard. Though I have nothing to compare her feelings to. But what she said to me stuck with me. The thing about time being wasted . I saw myself in all those times when I felt the same way about something. Anger and bitterness about things not having gone my way. Sadness about love unrequited. Grief about the loss of someone cherished. Fear about how I would go on... But then I remembered something I read recently. The obstacle is the path. We expect that life will always work out. It's unfair if things don't happen as we want them to. And people are bad if they don't like us. But hang on! Life doesn't owe us a t...

I walk into the cedars wondering if I'll see you today. The early morning fog feels thick with my impenetrable thoughts. The trees are quiet today. They watch me as I walk over to you. I walk down the winding path To where we always meet. I sit on the wet grass It smells of a new day. An old familiar smell. I've been here before. At first every day, But now less often. I close my eyes, I take it all in. Be here. Now. Time stands still. I think of only you. We meet again. I feel your love. I always find you here. Tears fill my face. My breath is cold. You quietly whisper to my soul. Only I hear you. The silence we share. It's ours, together. You are me, and I am you. I know this all too well. Here, I know I can let go. Be with you, in your arms. Just us. Me alone. Let's hold hands. Stay a while. It doesn't last. I hear footsteps in the forest. And you are gone. A tear runs down my neck. Darling, I'm ...

The present moment is fleeting. And it's here to stay. The present moment is complete. And it completes me. It is full of all my joy and carries the weight of all my sorrow. The past lives here, the future lives here. The present moment is a clean slate. The present moment never judges. The present moment is cold. And yet it is full of tenderness. In it I love you, I miss you, I fall again, and I grow. In it I slowly watch my life unfold, one moment at a time. The present moment is a gift. The present moment breathes life, it nourishes me. And in it I also die. It is all I will ever have. It has in it all I will ever need. The present moment is infinite How can it encompass it all? Some days its weight is so heavy And yet it carries in it the lightness of being. In the present moment I bleed, And it is here I find my salvation. In it I am crushed And I am reborn. The present moment is unforgiving. But always an opportunity for a new begin...