Mum. Unedited.

I hold on tight to this place inside me Where the pain, the hurt, the sorrow live.  Shaping the sands of my soul. This place of grief, this is my place.  It is the only pure place I know Where we meet without seeing where we speak without talking Where we love without touching. It is the beginning and the end. Love never leaves here.  I must travel to the deepest recesses But I always find you here. Unbroken. Untouched.  We move through here skillfully Like skaters on thin ice.  Our extremities are cold But our souls are on fire. This place is as real as any.  Here my pen flows But I remain speechless.  I come here to see through your eyes Feel through your heart. I come here often. My veil of deception has come off Only the universal truth lives here.  In this stillness nothing stirs Except my tears. They glisten in your gaze.  I am overwhelmed Grief is the only real feeling I know It tears me to pieces...

I watch you take your fatal fall Your scream envelopes the heavens You arms scramble They reach out for me I try to grab you.  But I miss.  Beautiful boy.  You look peacefully still. Dead, but oh so alive!  Basking in the mountain sunshine On this perfectly blue-sky day.  Silence fills the thin mountain air.  I see your broken body Mangled and unrecognisable. The mountains moan quietly,  Another son is lost.  Hours turn into days And days into months. And slowly I rise from your ashes.  I now carry your burden too. And what an honour it is. This world glistens in your light. You have made my unconscious conscious. You have every inch of my love.  I know we are old friends. Forever together.  I’ll wait until morning When I close my eyes And I’ll see you again.  Your life fades And mine shines in its place.  You die And I am born. 

I didn't know that so much of how I feel is directly proportional to how my baby is doing. Last week bubba was very difficult. I suppose you can chalk it down to Leap 6, or maybe he was just being a baby! But that took its toll on me.  When he felt rotten, I felt rotten. And not rotten as in the same feelings as him, but rotten like angry, depressed and frustrated! This week he is much better, and so am I. We are moving house soon (we bought our first house!) and it has been generally a difficult time for the family. My grumpiness doesn't help and only makes things more tense in the home, but sometimes I just can't help it. I feel bad for my man. It's been a difficult transition for him too. I took a break on Sunday and went to the movies alone (I watched Wind River... it was pretty good). But the whole time  I just thought about my little one, if he's getting the best care he could, and how my hubby is coping at home, alone with the bub. To make the situation a...