The sun shines...

I quit. I'm so tired.  I feel so alone.

It's finally spring. The sun shines outside, but I can't see the sunshine. When I go for a walk, I can't feel the sunshine on my face. This isn't what I signed up for. I've had enough. Can I take the blue pill instead?

No. I can't. I can't turn back time. I'm a physicist. I know it can never be done.

I don't really want to either. It is just one of those days... and I know this day will pass too. 'They' tell you it's going to be hard. But it's really really really hard sometimes! So much harder than anyone can tell you.

Yes, there are those wonderful days when you get your first smile, he flaunts his first tooth, he learns to hug you back.  He giggles at your touch. Yes, there are those wonderful memories. But there are also some very dark hours. Like a blackhole, sucking you in, making it impossible to escape its darkness.

I love my son. In a way that I have never loved anyone else. He is my everything.

I know I have to do better. I have to pick myself up and dust myself off. There will be no second chances at this.

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