Mum. Unedited.

A cold winter's day The heavy grey sky hangs low to the ground A blistery wind batters my face I touch my cheeks with my hands, they feel numb.  I push on, one stride follows the next I love long walks on these cold days,  As brutal as they may be. I feel bone chillingly alive. The tops of the eucalypts  Dance in the wind I think of you, no surprise.  I always think of you when I feel alive.  'Tis the season  when you are nearer.  A time to cherish, To celebrate a life well lived A life that was once so alive.  I grow in your shadow To appreciate life like you saw it One moment at a time Alive, full of promise.  I begrudge you nothing Though some days  Pushing on is hard Feeling alive is a distant dream As my love for you drowns me.  But sure enough You reach down and give me your hand We exchange glances Speak without words You pull me up Bring me back to life.  What is this life force that connects us? I have never felt more ...

I watch you take your fatal fall Your scream envelopes the heavens You arms scramble They reach out for me I try to grab you.  But I miss.  Beautiful boy.  You look peacefully still. Dead, but oh so alive!  Basking in the mountain sunshine On this perfectly blue-sky day.  Silence fills the thin mountain air.  I see your broken body Mangled and unrecognisable. The mountains moan quietly,  Another son is lost.  Hours turn into days And days into months. And slowly I rise from your ashes.  I now carry your burden too. And what an honour it is. This world glistens in your light. You have made my unconscious conscious. You have every inch of my love.  I know we are old friends. Forever together.  I’ll wait until morning When I close my eyes And I’ll see you again.  Your life fades And mine shines in its place.  You die And I am born. 

I sit at the top of this mountain And watch the dark clouds roll in The air is chilled, but quiet. The sky looks like a rough ocean Except upside-down. Ominous, tumultuous and cold.  It could swallow us whole. I wait for the storm to get closer While the storm in my mind rages on.  A gusty wind blows Smells like fresh mountain air.  I think of you, as I always do when I come here.  I imagine you in your final resting place.  I watch your soul soar high above your mountain home. I know you still live. Here. In the rain, sky. You are the view. Amazing in every way.  I close my eyes. I go inside.  I look for meaning. Why do I walk this road? Why did I waste all this time? How do I be a better me.  No answers can be found.  I sure am lost. Directions mean nothing.  I feel like I’m cut right down the middle.  I’m just trying to be brave.  Can you tell? I feel the first raindrop touch my skin.  ...

I quit. I'm so tired.  I feel so alone. It's finally spring. The sun shines outside, but I can't see the sunshine. When I go for a walk, I can't feel the sunshine on my face. This isn't what I signed up for. I've had enough. Can I take the blue pill instead? No. I can't. I can't turn back time. I'm a physicist. I know it can never be done. I don't really want to either. It is just one of those days... and I know this day will pass too. 'They' tell you it's going to be hard. But it's really really really hard sometimes! So much harder than anyone can tell you. Yes, there are those wonderful days when you get your first smile, he flaunts his first tooth, he learns to hug you back.  He giggles at your touch. Yes, there are those wonderful memories. But there are also some very dark hours. Like a blackhole, sucking you in, making it impossible to escape its darkness. I love my son. In a way that I have never loved any...