Mum. Unedited.

I wake to a perfect day Your day.  Today.  The day you became a son,  A brother, A friend. What a perfect day indeed. The sun soaks me As I walk through our forest The cedars smell like home. A cool breeze gives me a chill. I wait patiently for you. Everywhere, nowhere. I look longingly for you.  Everywhere. Nowhere. This ordinary day, I know is no ordinary day. A light breeze blows across the grass Like a whisper of tenderness. I see you.  You’re here. In my stillness.  Everywhere and nowhere.  I see us together again. My life flashes before my eyes As if it were my last breath.  We fly through the past together.  Memories like holographic images.  We are here and there.  Everywhere and nowhere. Your gaze lights up the day, Your breath moves the clouds Your love colours my dream.  What’s left to say? Everything. Nothing.  And then, time starts to speed up, I dread this day wil...

Today I feel raw .  My thoughts and feelings are on display and I don't seem to have it in me to mask them.  Everything I've read, all the internal work I've done, it's not helping today. It's one of those days. A bad day. The one that makes the good days 'good'. Today is like what dark is to the light, drought is to the flood, grief is to joy. I'm walking through tar. It's pouring outside, so much rain! Thunder and lighting too. A worldly manifestation of my churning mind.  I watch myself this way - from above. I see troubles hanging over me like dark brooding clouds. I know tomorrow will be different. Probably better. But today is all I have right now. And today is hard.  But I know better now. I have had so many of these days that I've come to cherish these days too. I feel so much on days like today. I really experience myself. I notice how Time slows down. I watch my thoughts dart about in my head. I feel my heart race for no reason. I am a...

As I drive over the Bridge I look over to the east. I roll my windows down The wind rushes through my veins And I become one with sea and sky. Breathtaking.  Time slows down  Almost to a standstill. This moment will last forever, In my picture memory. I know I am close now. I take the second exit on the North Shore. The Pacific Highway. The Ocean Road.  Such a grand name. Past the roundabout and the giant fig trees The road curves up the hill.  Tall buildings on the cliff peer down at me.  They recognise me.  My heart quickens. I love this familiarity. This Road - I will never forget.  I have seen it a thousand times. On a sunny day, in the rain and the fog.  I have driven it a countless times,  In my mind, with you. I take the narrow street up the hill.  Cars parked on both sides Leaving room for only me.  I squeeze through.  Only steps away from you now.  I look over to the skyscrapers of the City.  Always standing....

I hold on tight to this place inside me Where the pain, the hurt, the sorrow live.  Shaping the sands of my soul. This place of grief, this is my place.  It is the only pure place I know Where we meet without seeing where we speak without talking Where we love without touching. It is the beginning and the end. Love never leaves here.  I must travel to the deepest recesses But I always find you here. Unbroken. Untouched.  We move through here skillfully Like skaters on thin ice.  Our extremities are cold But our souls are on fire. This place is as real as any.  Here my pen flows But I remain speechless.  I come here to see through your eyes Feel through your heart. I come here often. My veil of deception has come off Only the universal truth lives here.  In this stillness nothing stirs Except my tears. They glisten in your gaze.  I am overwhelmed Grief is the only real feeling I know It tears me to pieces...

I watch you take your fatal fall Your scream envelopes the heavens You arms scramble They reach out for me I try to grab you.  But I miss.  Beautiful boy.  You look peacefully still. Dead, but oh so alive!  Basking in the mountain sunshine On this perfectly blue-sky day.  Silence fills the thin mountain air.  I see your broken body Mangled and unrecognisable. The mountains moan quietly,  Another son is lost.  Hours turn into days And days into months. And slowly I rise from your ashes.  I now carry your burden too. And what an honour it is. This world glistens in your light. You have made my unconscious conscious. You have every inch of my love.  I know we are old friends. Forever together.  I’ll wait until morning When I close my eyes And I’ll see you again.  Your life fades And mine shines in its place.  You die And I am born. 

I sit at the top of this mountain And watch the dark clouds roll in The air is chilled, but quiet. The sky looks like a rough ocean Except upside-down. Ominous, tumultuous and cold.  It could swallow us whole. I wait for the storm to get closer While the storm in my mind rages on.  A gusty wind blows Smells like fresh mountain air.  I think of you, as I always do when I come here.  I imagine you in your final resting place.  I watch your soul soar high above your mountain home. I know you still live. Here. In the rain, sky. You are the view. Amazing in every way.  I close my eyes. I go inside.  I look for meaning. Why do I walk this road? Why did I waste all this time? How do I be a better me.  No answers can be found.  I sure am lost. Directions mean nothing.  I feel like I’m cut right down the middle.  I’m just trying to be brave.  Can you tell? I feel the first raindrop touch my skin.  ...

Yesterday we went to the coast for the first time since my brother died. We used to all go to the coast together every year. At least one trip if not more. Hire a house by the beach. Drink wine. Play Pictionary. Take walks on the beach at sunset. Just for a couple of days. But they were perfect days. It was hard this time around. As one would expect. It's always hard to do something for the first time since you last shared the same experience with someone you love. Knowing it will never be the same again. I felt sad knowing how much my son would've enjoyed having him there. And then it dawned on me, one day soon... all the firsts will end. This was the first time we went down the beach without him. But the next time won't be. This trip to the coast was special. The next one won't be. And soon.. one day, there will be no more firsts. I remember the first time I ate a Toblerone after his death, the first time I drank Veuve Cliquot without him. The first time I went...

My brother died last July. He was 37. He was climbing a mountain in Switzerland. A large rockfall took down both him and his guide. They fell nearly 700m. To their deaths. Or at least I hope so. It took emergency personnel 9 hours to rescue them, so I hope they weren't lying on the mountain in their broken bodies waiting for life to leave them. This was his second attempt at the mountain. Life doesn't give you second chances. He should've known that. I didn't mean that. One life fades... Death is certainly all the cliches you hear, and more. In one moment everything can be different. Except it's like that for every moment. We are just too busy to notice. I still have all his bags and climbing gear, posted back to me from Chamonix, sitting in my son's wardrobe waiting patiently to be unpacked. I can't even let go of the postage stamp. I did have to go through his suitcase to pull out the 4 blocks of Italian chocolate from Torino. The chocolate...