Mum. Unedited.

A cold winter's day The heavy grey sky hangs low to the ground A blistery wind batters my face I touch my cheeks with my hands, they feel numb.  I push on, one stride follows the next I love long walks on these cold days,  As brutal as they may be. I feel bone chillingly alive. The tops of the eucalypts  Dance in the wind I think of you, no surprise.  I always think of you when I feel alive.  'Tis the season  when you are nearer.  A time to cherish, To celebrate a life well lived A life that was once so alive.  I grow in your shadow To appreciate life like you saw it One moment at a time Alive, full of promise.  I begrudge you nothing Though some days  Pushing on is hard Feeling alive is a distant dream As my love for you drowns me.  But sure enough You reach down and give me your hand We exchange glances Speak without words You pull me up Bring me back to life.  What is this life force that connects us? I have never felt more ...

I wake to a perfect day Your day.  Today.  The day you became a son,  A brother, A friend. What a perfect day indeed. The sun soaks me As I walk through our forest The cedars smell like home. A cool breeze gives me a chill. I wait patiently for you. Everywhere, nowhere. I look longingly for you.  Everywhere. Nowhere. This ordinary day, I know is no ordinary day. A light breeze blows across the grass Like a whisper of tenderness. I see you.  You’re here. In my stillness.  Everywhere and nowhere.  I see us together again. My life flashes before my eyes As if it were my last breath.  We fly through the past together.  Memories like holographic images.  We are here and there.  Everywhere and nowhere. Your gaze lights up the day, Your breath moves the clouds Your love colours my dream.  What’s left to say? Everything. Nothing.  And then, time starts to speed up, I dread this day wil...

Today I feel raw .  My thoughts and feelings are on display and I don't seem to have it in me to mask them.  Everything I've read, all the internal work I've done, it's not helping today. It's one of those days. A bad day. The one that makes the good days 'good'. Today is like what dark is to the light, drought is to the flood, grief is to joy. I'm walking through tar. It's pouring outside, so much rain! Thunder and lighting too. A worldly manifestation of my churning mind.  I watch myself this way - from above. I see troubles hanging over me like dark brooding clouds. I know tomorrow will be different. Probably better. But today is all I have right now. And today is hard.  But I know better now. I have had so many of these days that I've come to cherish these days too. I feel so much on days like today. I really experience myself. I notice how Time slows down. I watch my thoughts dart about in my head. I feel my heart race for no reason. I am a...

  I wait for the words   To come out of the silence. But for now, I only hear the music. Only I hear the music. It’s playing a sad song today. Piano. Then violin and cello batter the strings of my heart.  A tear breaks free And it runs down my cheek. I think of the love lost. A love treasured. Your sweet smile, your tender voice.  It tears me apart.  We are one, and yet Who am I? But only a shadow of your being.  Take me with you To the bottom 10,000 miles below Where time is standing still.  Under water.  A guitar starts to strum. Reminiscing the good times we shared.  I know that I’d rather have lived a day, with you Than a lifetime without.  But if I could only have one more of those carefree days. I’ll miss you for the rest of all of my days. Our moments together come alive  In my mind’s eye.  I almost smile, welling up with gratitude.  That you ever lived.  I will always r...

I hold on tight to this place inside me Where the pain, the hurt, the sorrow live.  Shaping the sands of my soul. This place of grief, this is my place.  It is the only pure place I know Where we meet without seeing where we speak without talking Where we love without touching. It is the beginning and the end. Love never leaves here.  I must travel to the deepest recesses But I always find you here. Unbroken. Untouched.  We move through here skillfully Like skaters on thin ice.  Our extremities are cold But our souls are on fire. This place is as real as any.  Here my pen flows But I remain speechless.  I come here to see through your eyes Feel through your heart. I come here often. My veil of deception has come off Only the universal truth lives here.  In this stillness nothing stirs Except my tears. They glisten in your gaze.  I am overwhelmed Grief is the only real feeling I know It tears me to pieces...

I watch you take your fatal fall Your scream envelopes the heavens You arms scramble They reach out for me I try to grab you.  But I miss.  Beautiful boy.  You look peacefully still. Dead, but oh so alive!  Basking in the mountain sunshine On this perfectly blue-sky day.  Silence fills the thin mountain air.  I see your broken body Mangled and unrecognisable. The mountains moan quietly,  Another son is lost.  Hours turn into days And days into months. And slowly I rise from your ashes.  I now carry your burden too. And what an honour it is. This world glistens in your light. You have made my unconscious conscious. You have every inch of my love.  I know we are old friends. Forever together.  I’ll wait until morning When I close my eyes And I’ll see you again.  Your life fades And mine shines in its place.  You die And I am born. 

I sit at the top of this mountain And watch the dark clouds roll in The air is chilled, but quiet. The sky looks like a rough ocean Except upside-down. Ominous, tumultuous and cold.  It could swallow us whole. I wait for the storm to get closer While the storm in my mind rages on.  A gusty wind blows Smells like fresh mountain air.  I think of you, as I always do when I come here.  I imagine you in your final resting place.  I watch your soul soar high above your mountain home. I know you still live. Here. In the rain, sky. You are the view. Amazing in every way.  I close my eyes. I go inside.  I look for meaning. Why do I walk this road? Why did I waste all this time? How do I be a better me.  No answers can be found.  I sure am lost. Directions mean nothing.  I feel like I’m cut right down the middle.  I’m just trying to be brave.  Can you tell? I feel the first raindrop touch my skin.  ...

I walk into the cedars wondering if I'll see you today. The early morning fog feels thick with my impenetrable thoughts. The trees are quiet today. They watch me as I walk over to you. I walk down the winding path To where we always meet. I sit on the wet grass It smells of a new day. An old familiar smell. I've been here before. At first every day, But now less often. I close my eyes, I take it all in. Be here. Now. Time stands still. I think of only you. We meet again. I feel your love. I always find you here. Tears fill my face. My breath is cold. You quietly whisper to my soul. Only I hear you. The silence we share. It's ours, together. You are me, and I am you. I know this all too well. Here, I know I can let go. Be with you, in your arms. Just us. Me alone. Let's hold hands. Stay a while. It doesn't last. I hear footsteps in the forest. And you are gone. A tear runs down my neck. Darling, I'm ...

Yesterday we went to the coast for the first time since my brother died. We used to all go to the coast together every year. At least one trip if not more. Hire a house by the beach. Drink wine. Play Pictionary. Take walks on the beach at sunset. Just for a couple of days. But they were perfect days. It was hard this time around. As one would expect. It's always hard to do something for the first time since you last shared the same experience with someone you love. Knowing it will never be the same again. I felt sad knowing how much my son would've enjoyed having him there. And then it dawned on me, one day soon... all the firsts will end. This was the first time we went down the beach without him. But the next time won't be. This trip to the coast was special. The next one won't be. And soon.. one day, there will be no more firsts. I remember the first time I ate a Toblerone after his death, the first time I drank Veuve Cliquot without him. The first time I went...