Mum. Unedited.

I'm afraid of even saying so... in case I 'jinx' it. Why is it so hard to make friends when you get older? Maybe cool  is different now, and I'm not cool  anymore. I know I thought I was, once. When I was at University, I felt like an invincible 20-something year old, independent, free-thinking physicist. Anyway, I digress. I have a new friend. And she thinks I am all of those things - except a nearly 40-something year old. Perhaps it is only I that thinks less of me now. I no longer feel invincible. I've had plenty of rejections to know that I'm not THAT special. Sure, I'm intelligent, independent, problem-solver and I usually get what I want. But not always, and I have to work for it. I've seen it come easy to some, but not that easy for me. Don't get me wrong, I live a pretty easy and privelleged life. But I also know that it takes work. Stuff isn't always black and white, and sometimes you need to break your own rules to get ahead. Yo...

Happy new year for all those folks (not) reading this blog! I FEEL good today, the first day of the new year. Probably because I didn't drink last night and went to bed at a decent (10:30pm) time! Thought it appropriate to start the new year not feeling shite  like most other years, and most other people! So, what are my new year's resolutions, you ask? I don't have any actually. No resolutions. Just a promise to make a conscious effort to do some things differently. This is a big year for me. Or I would like to make it a big year for me. I'm turning 40. I want to use this as an opportunity to re-evaluate what I want from my life, and where I would've liked to be when I was 40. I know, the cliched version of turning 40. So here's some of the things I've thought of that I want to change. 1. I want to be fit when I turn 40. My version of fit of course. A realistic version of a better me. 2. I want to spend the first month doing 30 days of yoga - ...

And here we are again. My son is so grown up now. Almost 2! I feel I have grown too. Things have started to settle down. I feel like I have created my own flow... I am flowing better. I feel like I can rely on my instincts again. It's funny how when life gets cloudy, you lose your instinct. Your best judge. When you need it most. Or maybe it's the other way, when you lose your best judge, life gets cloudy. I don't know. Hubby and I are also settling in together for the long haul. We are laughing more, cherishing more, loving each other more. The lines on our faces are forever though. I inch forward into the unknown feeling more confident that my compass is working again, the stars will guide me...

I didn't know that so much of how I feel is directly proportional to how my baby is doing. Last week bubba was very difficult. I suppose you can chalk it down to Leap 6, or maybe he was just being a baby! But that took its toll on me.  When he felt rotten, I felt rotten. And not rotten as in the same feelings as him, but rotten like angry, depressed and frustrated! This week he is much better, and so am I. We are moving house soon (we bought our first house!) and it has been generally a difficult time for the family. My grumpiness doesn't help and only makes things more tense in the home, but sometimes I just can't help it. I feel bad for my man. It's been a difficult transition for him too. I took a break on Sunday and went to the movies alone (I watched Wind River... it was pretty good). But the whole time  I just thought about my little one, if he's getting the best care he could, and how my hubby is coping at home, alone with the bub. To make the situation a...

I quit. I'm so tired.  I feel so alone. It's finally spring. The sun shines outside, but I can't see the sunshine. When I go for a walk, I can't feel the sunshine on my face. This isn't what I signed up for. I've had enough. Can I take the blue pill instead? No. I can't. I can't turn back time. I'm a physicist. I know it can never be done. I don't really want to either. It is just one of those days... and I know this day will pass too. 'They' tell you it's going to be hard. But it's really really really hard sometimes! So much harder than anyone can tell you. Yes, there are those wonderful days when you get your first smile, he flaunts his first tooth, he learns to hug you back.  He giggles at your touch. Yes, there are those wonderful memories. But there are also some very dark hours. Like a blackhole, sucking you in, making it impossible to escape its darkness. I love my son. In a way that I have never loved any...