Mum. Unedited.

I didn't know that so much of how I feel is directly proportional to how my baby is doing. Last week bubba was very difficult. I suppose you can chalk it down to Leap 6, or maybe he was just being a baby! But that took its toll on me.  When he felt rotten, I felt rotten. And not rotten as in the same feelings as him, but rotten like angry, depressed and frustrated! This week he is much better, and so am I. We are moving house soon (we bought our first house!) and it has been generally a difficult time for the family. My grumpiness doesn't help and only makes things more tense in the home, but sometimes I just can't help it. I feel bad for my man. It's been a difficult transition for him too. I took a break on Sunday and went to the movies alone (I watched Wind River... it was pretty good). But the whole time  I just thought about my little one, if he's getting the best care he could, and how my hubby is coping at home, alone with the bub. To make the situation a

I quit. I'm so tired.  I feel so alone. It's finally spring. The sun shines outside, but I can't see the sunshine. When I go for a walk, I can't feel the sunshine on my face. This isn't what I signed up for. I've had enough. Can I take the blue pill instead? No. I can't. I can't turn back time. I'm a physicist. I know it can never be done. I don't really want to either. It is just one of those days... and I know this day will pass too. 'They' tell you it's going to be hard. But it's really really really hard sometimes! So much harder than anyone can tell you. Yes, there are those wonderful days when you get your first smile, he flaunts his first tooth, he learns to hug you back.  He giggles at your touch. Yes, there are those wonderful memories. But there are also some very dark hours. Like a blackhole, sucking you in, making it impossible to escape its darkness. I love my son. In a way that I have never loved any