Are you doing your best?

I'm currently reading Brené Brown's book 'Rising Strong'. And loving it. Powerful and empowering.

In the chapter 'Sewer rats and scofflaws' she asks a question that's been very close to my heart for a very long time. Are people doing their best?  

Agreed that sometimes, people ARE doing their best. Totally true. But when people are being assholes to you, when they're cutting in the line, when they are passive aggressive, when they gossip, when they're wreaking with racist hate. What about then? Are they doing their best then? Hard to imagine. Right?

And then there's the big question, are you always doing your best? Am I? I certainly don't always feel like I am. Sometime's I'm just lazy. Sometime's I'm downright mean. I know I could've done better. I know I could've been less harsh. I most certainly could've done better. That wasn't my best, was it? And if that was my best, then is that who I really am? What does that say about me?

I've thought about this question for such a long time. Reason being, a very long time ago, an ex boss, who I both admire and respect, said to me how she thought that people are doing the best that they can. This was, of course, in relation to another work colleague who was difficult, to say the least. Not just to me, but she was difficult to the entire team. It was so frustrating to see her get away with bad behaviour, absenteeism, and less than average work quality. Having to often pick up after her. It was straining relationships within the team. 

But with great conviction, my then boss just said these wise words, 'She's just doing the best that she can'. 

Because I have such respect for my ex boss, I took her words to heart at the time. But over the years, this question has haunted me. I've tried so many times to get to the bottom of it. Sometimes feeling that yes, you know, people are doing their best. Life's hard for some people, and their best is not the same as my best. But at other times, feeling like no f#$king way!

Many a times during heated discussions with my husband, he'll say he's just doing his best. And I'll be left thinking, but how could you have been doing your best when you just let this/that happen? I've also thought that about other people, when I've seen them being intentionally hurtful to others. It's hard to believe, oh yes, there you go... you're just doing your best! No problem. 

But of course, Brené has a powerful and useful way of looking at this question! And yes, of course, her answer to the questions is a resounding 'Yes'. It is useful to believe that people are doing their best, but not for the reasons you might think. 

'Assuming the best about people can fundamentally change your life.' When you believe that people are doing their best, you're coming from a place of compassion, not self-righteousness. You see people for who they are in that moment, not for who you think they should be. It's dangerous to view the world from a lens of self-righteousness. I know because I do this often - thinking about how I deserve better, or how I've been treated unfairly. It's so easy to fall into these traps. But the only place these thoughts lead... is down into the darkest places of your personality. And they usually end with, I'm not good enough. 

However, this generosity in thinking goes hand in hand with clarifying your boundaries to others. It's important to let people know what you're okay with and what you're not. This helps you act with kindness and open-heartedness when you encounter negativity. 

If another is hurting, it gives you the opportunity to show kindness. But also gives you a chance to act with honesty and integrity when they cross your boundaries. In essence, you can then say, with loving kindness, I know you're doing your best, but this is not okay with me. You're not left being upset and begrudging about how you feel they should've acted.

In the end this is what I think it boils down to - I don't know anyone else's story. And I have no right to judge them for it. I'm blessed that I have a good one, and I want to come from a place of humility and generosity as often as I can. 

Be honest with yourself and others about what you need and want. Be generous with your assumptions. Treat others like you know they are doing their best. And you know what, they might just think the same about you.