Mum. Unedited.

A cold winter's day The heavy grey sky hangs low to the ground A blistery wind batters my face I touch my cheeks with my hands, they feel numb.  I push on, one stride follows the next I love long walks on these cold days,  As brutal as they may be. I feel bone chillingly alive. The tops of the eucalypts  Dance in the wind I think of you, no surprise.  I always think of you when I feel alive.  'Tis the season  when you are nearer.  A time to cherish, To celebrate a life well lived A life that was once so alive.  I grow in your shadow To appreciate life like you saw it One moment at a time Alive, full of promise.  I begrudge you nothing Though some days  Pushing on is hard Feeling alive is a distant dream As my love for you drowns me.  But sure enough You reach down and give me your hand We exchange glances Speak without words You pull me up Bring me back to life.  What is this life force that connects us? I have never felt more ...

 It's a perfectly rainy grey day. My 4 year old son is playing in our backyard with the wet dirt under a constant drizzle. He says he hears a frog croaking by the silver birch. I love his unassuming wisdom.  Today I cannot help but reflect on leaving my troubles at the door.. and enjoying the moment for what it has to share. Have you felt that way sometimes?  All too often I walk through my days carrying burdens of the past. And I have heavy burdens... or so I say as I justify their existence. But I know life doesn't have to be this way.  There are two simple things you can do to fill your days with wonder, doesn't matter where you live and what your personal situation is. None of this stuff is new but I know it works from my personal experience. Leave it at the door When you wake up in the morning, the first thing you can do is to set a conscious intention to let things go as soon as they arise. Notice when the darkness arises in you. You will need to notice the phy...

I wake to a perfect day Your day.  Today.  The day you became a son,  A brother, A friend. What a perfect day indeed. The sun soaks me As I walk through our forest The cedars smell like home. A cool breeze gives me a chill. I wait patiently for you. Everywhere, nowhere. I look longingly for you.  Everywhere. Nowhere. This ordinary day, I know is no ordinary day. A light breeze blows across the grass Like a whisper of tenderness. I see you.  You’re here. In my stillness.  Everywhere and nowhere.  I see us together again. My life flashes before my eyes As if it were my last breath.  We fly through the past together.  Memories like holographic images.  We are here and there.  Everywhere and nowhere. Your gaze lights up the day, Your breath moves the clouds Your love colours my dream.  What’s left to say? Everything. Nothing.  And then, time starts to speed up, I dread this day wil...

Days come, Days go. Every day I carry my grief like a prize. Your gift to me.  I hold it close to my heart As if it were a delicate vase Studded with exquisite memories of you. Precious. Ephemeral. Everlasting. I nurture it. This grief is the most beautiful thing I have ever felt.  Real. Everlasting. I am slowly coming undone And tediously putting myself back together again. Piece by piece. I know I will never be the same. The scars run deep. Everlasting. When you left Time stopped. She heaved a sigh. And watched as everything froze to a halt In my infinite scream.  And then she started again. But her pace is different now. Unhurried. Deliberate. Everlasting. There was once a Before. Now only an After. Forever After. Everlasting. And as I step into this perfect moment With awe and contentment, Irreverence and gratitude, I wish it to be Everlasting. I know the connection we share The love we feel The magic we made Is Everlasting. You showed me that How we move through this...

Today I feel raw .  My thoughts and feelings are on display and I don't seem to have it in me to mask them.  Everything I've read, all the internal work I've done, it's not helping today. It's one of those days. A bad day. The one that makes the good days 'good'. Today is like what dark is to the light, drought is to the flood, grief is to joy. I'm walking through tar. It's pouring outside, so much rain! Thunder and lighting too. A worldly manifestation of my churning mind.  I watch myself this way - from above. I see troubles hanging over me like dark brooding clouds. I know tomorrow will be different. Probably better. But today is all I have right now. And today is hard.  But I know better now. I have had so many of these days that I've come to cherish these days too. I feel so much on days like today. I really experience myself. I notice how Time slows down. I watch my thoughts dart about in my head. I feel my heart race for no reason. I am a...

  I wait for the words   To come out of the silence. But for now, I only hear the music. Only I hear the music. It’s playing a sad song today. Piano. Then violin and cello batter the strings of my heart.  A tear breaks free And it runs down my cheek. I think of the love lost. A love treasured. Your sweet smile, your tender voice.  It tears me apart.  We are one, and yet Who am I? But only a shadow of your being.  Take me with you To the bottom 10,000 miles below Where time is standing still.  Under water.  A guitar starts to strum. Reminiscing the good times we shared.  I know that I’d rather have lived a day, with you Than a lifetime without.  But if I could only have one more of those carefree days. I’ll miss you for the rest of all of my days. Our moments together come alive  In my mind’s eye.  I almost smile, welling up with gratitude.  That you ever lived.  I will always r...

I'm curre ntly reading Brené Brown's book 'Rising Strong'. And loving it. Powerful and empowering. In the chapter 'Sewer rats and scofflaws' she asks a question that's been very close to my heart for a very long time. Are people doing their best?    Agreed that sometimes, people ARE doing their best. Totally true. But when people are being assholes to you, when they're cutting in the line, when they are passive aggressive, when they gossip, when they're wreaking with racist hate. What about then? Are they doing their best then? Hard to imagine. Right? And then there's the big question, are you always doing your best? Am I? I certainly don't always feel like I am. Sometime's I'm just lazy. Sometime's I'm downright mean. I know I could've done better. I know I could've been less harsh. I most certainly could've done better. That wasn't my best, was it? And if that was my best, then is that who I really am? What d...

As I drive over the Bridge I look over to the east. I roll my windows down The wind rushes through my veins And I become one with sea and sky. Breathtaking.  Time slows down  Almost to a standstill. This moment will last forever, In my picture memory. I know I am close now. I take the second exit on the North Shore. The Pacific Highway. The Ocean Road.  Such a grand name. Past the roundabout and the giant fig trees The road curves up the hill.  Tall buildings on the cliff peer down at me.  They recognise me.  My heart quickens. I love this familiarity. This Road - I will never forget.  I have seen it a thousand times. On a sunny day, in the rain and the fog.  I have driven it a countless times,  In my mind, with you. I take the narrow street up the hill.  Cars parked on both sides Leaving room for only me.  I squeeze through.  Only steps away from you now.  I look over to the skyscrapers of the City.  Always standing....

A weekend filled with nostalgia and memories.  Drive over the Sydney Harbour Bridge in your car.  Lunch time dessert from Lorraine's Pattisserie - New York cheesecake and dark chocolate eclair.  Afternoon walk through the hilly, leafy streets of Neutral Bay to your apartment.  Sunset at Bradleys Head, pink sky and velvet blue ocean.  Spinach chaat, sambar vadai and masala dosa for dinner at Malabar. With a nice glass of Pinot Noir.  Life was simple but perfect with you.

I hold on tight to this place inside me Where the pain, the hurt, the sorrow live.  Shaping the sands of my soul. This place of grief, this is my place.  It is the only pure place I know Where we meet without seeing where we speak without talking Where we love without touching. It is the beginning and the end. Love never leaves here.  I must travel to the deepest recesses But I always find you here. Unbroken. Untouched.  We move through here skillfully Like skaters on thin ice.  Our extremities are cold But our souls are on fire. This place is as real as any.  Here my pen flows But I remain speechless.  I come here to see through your eyes Feel through your heart. I come here often. My veil of deception has come off Only the universal truth lives here.  In this stillness nothing stirs Except my tears. They glisten in your gaze.  I am overwhelmed Grief is the only real feeling I know It tears me to pieces...

I see you everywhere.  In all forms. In the formless.  You are  In the vastness of the night sky. In the depths of the bluest ocean.  The twinkle in the stars The blinding power of the sun. You are  The blood coursing through my veins The wilderness in my mind The music that brings me to life The beauty I cherish through my eyes  The tears that warm my heart. You are The quivering blade of grass The mist that hangs heavy in the chilly mountain air The thundering rivers after a monsoon The summer storm that batters my heart. You are  The majesty of the universe And the fragility of life.  You are  My joy The distance that keeps us apart. You are  the light that gives the gift of life The darkness that envelopes it all. Every new sunrise and every grey cloud. You are  My dreams unfulfilled The truth that grounds me to this moment. Every breath of life in me. You give me courage To be bold, to be frail To start again.  To fail. Yo...

I watch you take your fatal fall Your scream envelopes the heavens You arms scramble They reach out for me I try to grab you.  But I miss.  Beautiful boy.  You look peacefully still. Dead, but oh so alive!  Basking in the mountain sunshine On this perfectly blue-sky day.  Silence fills the thin mountain air.  I see your broken body Mangled and unrecognisable. The mountains moan quietly,  Another son is lost.  Hours turn into days And days into months. And slowly I rise from your ashes.  I now carry your burden too. And what an honour it is. This world glistens in your light. You have made my unconscious conscious. You have every inch of my love.  I know we are old friends. Forever together.  I’ll wait until morning When I close my eyes And I’ll see you again.  Your life fades And mine shines in its place.  You die And I am born. 

I sit at the top of this mountain And watch the dark clouds roll in The air is chilled, but quiet. The sky looks like a rough ocean Except upside-down. Ominous, tumultuous and cold.  It could swallow us whole. I wait for the storm to get closer While the storm in my mind rages on.  A gusty wind blows Smells like fresh mountain air.  I think of you, as I always do when I come here.  I imagine you in your final resting place.  I watch your soul soar high above your mountain home. I know you still live. Here. In the rain, sky. You are the view. Amazing in every way.  I close my eyes. I go inside.  I look for meaning. Why do I walk this road? Why did I waste all this time? How do I be a better me.  No answers can be found.  I sure am lost. Directions mean nothing.  I feel like I’m cut right down the middle.  I’m just trying to be brave.  Can you tell? I feel the first raindrop touch my skin.  ...

Yesterday I was talking with one of my work colleagues, who is in the messy process of separating from her partner of seven years. She's sad, bitter and angry. As one would be I suppose. She described it to me as 'having wasted seven years with someone who now thinks so little of me they want to rob me of everything I have'. That would be hard. Though I have nothing to compare her feelings to. But what she said to me stuck with me. The thing about time being wasted . I saw myself in all those times when I felt the same way about something. Anger and bitterness about things not having gone my way. Sadness about love unrequited. Grief about the loss of someone cherished. Fear about how I would go on... But then I remembered something I read recently. The obstacle is the path. We expect that life will always work out. It's unfair if things don't happen as we want them to. And people are bad if they don't like us. But hang on! Life doesn't owe us a t...

I walk into the cedars wondering if I'll see you today. The early morning fog feels thick with my impenetrable thoughts. The trees are quiet today. They watch me as I walk over to you. I walk down the winding path To where we always meet. I sit on the wet grass It smells of a new day. An old familiar smell. I've been here before. At first every day, But now less often. I close my eyes, I take it all in. Be here. Now. Time stands still. I think of only you. We meet again. I feel your love. I always find you here. Tears fill my face. My breath is cold. You quietly whisper to my soul. Only I hear you. The silence we share. It's ours, together. You are me, and I am you. I know this all too well. Here, I know I can let go. Be with you, in your arms. Just us. Me alone. Let's hold hands. Stay a while. It doesn't last. I hear footsteps in the forest. And you are gone. A tear runs down my neck. Darling, I'm ...

The present moment is fleeting. And it's here to stay. The present moment is complete. And it completes me. It is full of all my joy and carries the weight of all my sorrow. The past lives here, the future lives here. The present moment is a clean slate. The present moment never judges. The present moment is cold. And yet it is full of tenderness. In it I love you, I miss you, I fall again, and I grow. In it I slowly watch my life unfold, one moment at a time. The present moment is a gift. The present moment breathes life, it nourishes me. And in it I also die. It is all I will ever have. It has in it all I will ever need. The present moment is infinite How can it encompass it all? Some days its weight is so heavy And yet it carries in it the lightness of being. In the present moment I bleed, And it is here I find my salvation. In it I am crushed And I am reborn. The present moment is unforgiving. But always an opportunity for a new begin...

Today is Mothers Day. I can't help but wonder how my mum is feeling today. Probably great sadness. How would I feel on Mothers Day if I had outlived my son. My mum is the strongest woman I know. She is a fighter. Like no other I have ever met. She must have given that fighting spirit to my brother. And me. She got married when she was 19. My Dad has been her biggest challenge in life. She probably wouldn't have discovered her fighting spirit had it not been for him. Need it be said that they were a bad match? Terrible, actually. My mum has started so many independent businesses, I can't even count how many. All by herself. A woman in India, in the 80s and 90s, running her own businesses. Did I mention that she's a fighter? She has a creative streak, she has been an interior decorator, and now runs a clothing business. She designs the clothes, has them tailored, and also runs a shop where she sells her designer clothes. She does it all. My dad does nothing. He ...

Human. My brother was born in Kolkata in February 1982. He was a beautiful baby - the apple of my mother's eye. His striking golden locks and light skin made him inescapable. He was full of adventure. Afraid of nothing. Mum always worried he'd hurt himself. He wasn't allowed a bike until after he was 10. And this one time he jumped off the mezzanine floor at a holiday house. He thought he was superman. His fondness for mountains developed early, probably through the numerous holidays my parents took in the Himalayas, Bhutan and Nepal. All of his childhood photos have him brandishing his signature smile with a backdrop of snow covered mountains. He didn't really showcase his intellect until he was sent to boarding school. But school really brought out the best in him. He was athletic, intelligent, loyal and committed. For the last 20 years he called Australia home. He travelled a lot, but always found his way back here. It was probably because of the easy l...

Seconds turned to minutes. I couldn't breathe. I let out a visceral cry - a sound I never knew I had in me. Hands shaking. Vision blurred. My heart felt a crushing pain as though someone had just stepped on it. It scared my two and half year old so much that in front of my eyes he grew old enough to be able to say 'Mum I'm here'. Minutes turned to hours. I called the Deparment of Foreign Affairs and Trade to let them know that my brother had just died in on the Matterhorn. Surreal. I called my brother's girlfriend. That conversation was short, maybe 10 seconds. She said she had to go. I finally found the courage to call my parents. My mum collapsed to the ground, and my dad didn't get a chance to react because he knew he had to be there for her. I couldn't do anything for them because they were miles away, in India. Later in the evening I called Inspector Kuonen at Zermatt police. He informed me that they had him in their possession. What a str...

Yesterday we went to the coast for the first time since my brother died. We used to all go to the coast together every year. At least one trip if not more. Hire a house by the beach. Drink wine. Play Pictionary. Take walks on the beach at sunset. Just for a couple of days. But they were perfect days. It was hard this time around. As one would expect. It's always hard to do something for the first time since you last shared the same experience with someone you love. Knowing it will never be the same again. I felt sad knowing how much my son would've enjoyed having him there. And then it dawned on me, one day soon... all the firsts will end. This was the first time we went down the beach without him. But the next time won't be. This trip to the coast was special. The next one won't be. And soon.. one day, there will be no more firsts. I remember the first time I ate a Toblerone after his death, the first time I drank Veuve Cliquot without him. The first time I went...